I rear-ended someone in front of Target on Arlington Ave today after dropping off the kids at preschool... I just didn't stop fast enough as we all approached a red light. I've never done that before. I cried... I said "I'm so sorry." There wasn't even very much bend in the fenders neither car showed that they'd bumped... there were a few scratches on his bumper, and my license plate was only slightly bent. He's going to take it in for an estimate because its a new car, he only had it 2 months - it hasn't had time to get a few dings here and there yet. I know it's a little cosmetic scratch, but it's his right to have it perfect. He didn't deserve to be hit. I hope he doesn't have muscle soreness from being bumped.
The guy was really nice. It turns out he is my neighbor - he lives maybe 15 or 20 houses away from mine around the corner. When I take a walk with the kids & the dog we pass in front of his house, and we trick-or-treat at his house every year.
I was on my way to go get coffee. I was tired from the birthday party yesterday, ran out of coffee and couldn't make a pot at home today. I hit him because I was tired, my reaction time was slow, and I was following too closely. I felt sad before it even happened... I have a lot going on in my mind with today being the one-year anniversary of the last night Michael ever spent at home before going to the hospital on the 22nd. It was this night one year ago - the last night I ever held my husband and slept in the same bed with him. I remember asking him to carry Julia down the hall back to her bed, he did it. Then he said he felt so weak he didn't think he should carry her again. I remember she used to call out for Daddy at night, not Mommy... she used to call him when she wanted me because he always got her and brought her to me to nurse. We had a system... he did the carrying and I did the nursing. I remember she still called out for Daddy for a few more days after he went to the hospital, then started calling for me directly. Months later around the time he died, she went through a period of calling out for Daddy in the middle of the night. It was heart wrenching - so difficult for me to endure.
I have been emotionally drained, sentimental and teary. I know that's why I did it. It just feels so shitty, I can't feel ok with it. I need to just let it go. Hey... I've been driving for almost 20 years now and I've never done it before, I hope that I never do again. It might cost me money, it might raise my premiums, but I'm ok, he's ok, in the grand scheme of things it is still Mike who is dead.
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