the idea of blogging

I just put this blog together in the last week or two. It is made up, thus far, of several emails I sent out during the time my husband Michael was ill. I posted them here in blog form to archive them in chronological order, in an accessible, readable format.

I was inspired, first of all, by starting to read some blogs.

I haven't followed any blogs for a long time, though several have captured my attention and kept me reading for hours. Matt Logelin's blog was the first one I read, I found it right around the first anniversary of his wife's death and right before he appeared as a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. I read all of it in chronological order from beginning to end in one night. He was much further along his grief journey than I was and I swallowed up every word. His life seemed to have meaning now, I wanted to feel normal and as if there is meaning in my life again.

I am not organized enough in my "blog reading method" to check in with a series of blogs and read all the new entries... I'm just experimenting with following a few.

My second inspiration for blogging is my longtime belief in journaling as a healing exercise. I have been struggling with sleep (very irregular hours), anxiety, post-traumatic stress-depression, and trying to figure out my next move. It feels overwhelming to make a major decision such as moving out of the area. I realize that indecision IS actually making a decision to make no change, and that is not the best choice for me or my children, but it feels like the easy choice for now. I started writing in a journal about some of the things I was going through last week, and I felt so much better after writing.

I have old unreasonable guilt issues associated with writing journals.

Ever since I was very young, I wanted to keep a diary EVERY day. I received a crisp, pretty, "teddy-bear" or "unicorn" covered diary on more than one occasion for Christmas and waited until January 1st to make the first entry; the perfect date to begin my journal. Around January 11th or 12th, when I missed writing for a day in my journal, I would put it on a shelf to forget about in frustration and shame. I held tight to my belief: I SHOULD write every day, I SHOULD NOT skip a day, and if I do miss a day, I'm a failure at keeping a diary.

I wouldn't write again until a new year, pretty and new blank book, new resolution to write every day. Perfectionism crippled me and made me think of journal writing as a chore that I was guilty of leaving undone.

When my husband died, several people said "keep a journal, it will help you."

I tried, and I still haven't been regular about it, but just to overcome some of my issues, I wrote in my new blank book on a random page somewhere in the middle. I wrote down words that were SCREAMS in my head in MESSY handwriting, and I believe I cried and even splashed the fucking journal with salty tears. It even *gasp* made the ink smudge.

Here's my prescription for the perfectionist who wants to keep a paper journal anyway:
1. buy a new pretty blank book
2. open to a random page and tear the page
3. open to another random page then take a sip of coffee, cough, wipe off all you can with a napkin, but repeat #3 if there wasn't enough to stain the papers at least a little.
4. open to another random page and write a shopping list... cross out items after purchasing
5. begin journaling... start at the beginning of the book, or wherever you want, and journal because you want to, not because you should. Just be sure to date each entry. Other than that, no rules.

My third inspiration for blogging came from watching Julie and Julia on Netflix last week. I liked the character blogging and cooking her way through all of Julia Child's recipes. Her thing was cooking. My thing: well, my husband died. Being a 35 year old widow and mama of two sucks.

I don't want to fall into the trap I set for myself: setting the goal to write every single day. So... blogging looks like a possibly wonderful way to still feel that the package is neat and pretty, and even with huge gaps between entries, it looks uniform and perfect-ish.