mike's pneumonia chronicles #5

10/4/08
I haven't the energy to write a lot. I woke up alone in my home with Joey and Julia and woke up with the panic anxiety sickness feeling in my gut. It was too early to call anyone without really frightening them, I waited until 7:00 a.m. then called my aunt Jackie. I asked if she would please come over asap to be with me and watch Joey and Julia. She got here at about 8:00 a.m. I had the kids watching “Dragon Tales” in the living room and I got back in bed. When she came over she just came in and came to my bedroom. She held me and I cried. I told her I am just so tired, and so scared, and panicked. She was so sweet to me. She told me to keep resting and she got the kids breakfast. My friend (my birthing coach from both births) Kym Benner called a little later and it was perfect timing. She came and got me, took me to the hospital to be with Mike, and my aunt stayed with the kids.

Mike seemed stable (or at least the same) but when I spoke with his doctor it became clear that his condition has actually deteriorated. He keeps saying now, we just have to get him through the next 3 or 4 days, and if so there should be a turn around. The reason that Mike is actually worse today is because his kidney functions are beginning to deteriorate.

Pop Pop (who will be 91 on October 20th) came to see Mike. Aunt Linda came to be with him in Encinitas, and Mike's brother Aaron went and gathered them to bring to the hospital. Pop pop's visit was loving, emotional, very beautiful. He told Mike, "remember when you were a little boy and bounced to music." also "remember when you didn't want to play with any of the toys, just hammer nails into a board?" He was very loving and the visit was really a beautiful moment. Linda also spoke very lovingly to her nephew. For his 91st birthday, Pop Pop would like nothing more than a phone call from Mike.

I am sill all churned up with anxiety and emotion. I have been taking the anti-anxiety medication and it only takes the "edge off." Nothing can cut through the feelings in me.

There's more to say... dialysis was not full dialysis but rather "ultra filtration." They did it and gave Mike a blood transfusion at the same time. They also put him under a cooling blanket because he was running a fever of 102. The dialysis took 5 hours. I was there at the beginning and went back around 8 p.m. to see how he had done with it. Kym brought me back to the hospital after letting me take a nap in her bed (near Kaiser) for I think about 1 1/2 or 2 hours. She gave me tea and had me rest. I went back to the hospital at night with one wish... to see good numbers. I did. His O2 was in the high 80's and his blood pressure was good, and his heart rate (which had been around 170 for part of today) was slowed back down... still elevated but more like 110.

So many people offer to help, and I am overwhelmed because I need a secretary to just arrange it all for me. I really do not want to be alone any more. If I get a call in the middle of the night, I need to be able to leave without worrying about the kids. My mom is spending the night tonight. My aunt Marilyn will be here tomorrow and Monday night. I will ask my aunt to help organize my next week or more. I am having trouble even making small decisions. This is agony, and I just want Mike well and for this time to be part of our past.